miércoles con m de

Mierda

Yo estoy enamorada

de alguien que no me ama.

Mi mamita me dijo una vez 

que una cree que el hombre 

le va a aguantar toda la maña a una

porque dice que la ama

pero que hasta esa persona se cansa.

Será eso lo que me termino pasando?

bad ideas

THIS

im gonna be 30 in less than a month

Sabes que quiero para mi cumpleaños?

Ni un pasaje a San Andrés 

Ni siquiera estabilidad mental

Quiero un ramo gorrrdo de claveles rosados

Quiero expectativas ajustadas a la realidad

No quiero decepcion

Quiero no esperar 

Quiero no querer cartas de amor eterno.

He estado tomando lavanda antes de dormir por tres días además de la ezopiclona y sigo despierta. Sigo teniendo pesadillas.

Hoy he estado pensando en viajar y contra la opinión de todo el mundo creo que lo haré tan pronto como sea posible.

Hoy no he sentido pena ni rabia ni nada. He estado como dopada, en pausa, apática.

Hoy vi a la Elo y a Franco y a Bruno y esa fue la emoción más fuerte del día. Querer hijos ajenos. Quiero tanto tener hijos. Tener una familia. 

Pero Dios ha dispuesto que me toquen drogas para dormir y que me contente con viajes al fin del mundo.

Que se acabe todo. Que algo cambie.

cuts me like barbed wire

Preferiría estar triste en verano o primavera

La lluvia siempre ha tenido un efecto de tanta calma y relajo en mi que en estos días de músculos apretados, dolor de cabeza y evitar.. no se logra.

Evitar

Evitar a los australianos que sigo desde hace hartos años porque han tenido un bebé

Evitar los vídeos de la Fran y Ed.

Evitar Pinterest y los constantes vestidos blancos.

Hoy fue el primer día en que me agoté tanto que hice siesta. De esas inconscientes en las que no se alcanza ni apagar la luz ni ponerle pausa a la música.

La música que me obligue a escuchar para terminar pronto el desafío que se me ocurrió sugerir.

Me he sentido con poca fuerza y en medio de una batalla campal con mis pensamientos.

Hoy me trajeron comida a la pieza y me compraron un chocolate. Efectivamente es afortunado tener una familia -poco convencional- que sabe de mis miedos y mis penas.

Hace rato que no lloraba tanto. Tres días seguidos. Cada vez que me quedo sola.

Gracias a Dios no he tenido que justificarlo. 

Pues, ¿cómo explico esto? 

¿Cuanto falta para dejar de sentirse así?

finalmente

you may think I'm doubting

There is something you told me: "All ive ever fantasized about the future feels right only if your face is in it"

And it has kept me awake at night.

Ive been having these dreams about you. About us. 

In such a light, sweet, utterly ordinary family bliss in which I can hug you and hold your hand and walk into a shop with ease like its the most common thing to do.

I remember us being in a dollar shop and you were ten inches taller that you actually are. I was resting next to you with my arms around you and you were checking the price of something. 

The second dream was us going into a cabin with friends (male friends, your friends) and you were clearly my husband. 

What does this mean? Am I peeking into an alternative dimension in which I am in love with you and I've decided to be your wife?

Everything seems confusing because I know I do not love you. I dont. 

I think of the person you are and who you have become after everything after a lifetime of pain and I dont want to be with you. I'm certain.

However.. my brain shows me a life that we could have and I dont know if its tricking me into falling for a man in my dreams who doesnt exist. 

You do exist and you are not the man of my dreams but what if marriage makes you the man in my head? can I marry a prospect? Do I even love you if I'm only waiting for you to change and become someone I want? I dont think so. This is not how it's supposed to be.

The reason why I'm writing this is because of that damn sentence.

I was watching some videos of women telling their husbands they were pregnant and other videos o women having miscarriages and other videos of labour and the birth of their children and the only face I could see in my future was yours. I could only imagine myself doing everything if you were the one i was doing it with. Is that something?

This must be related to the fact that the last man I liked disappointed me with his childish mind and words and actions. Maybe the fact that he is perfect to be with someone else. 

Maybe I'm returning to you because I'm tired of waiting and I dont see any hope in the horizone.  Isnt that sad? 

I know I'm being terribly selfish but I needed to document it. 

It's two am in the morning and it's raining.

Its winter of the worst year of the last decades, objectively. 

You are sleeping, tired because of your job. You will have a break on friday and this is what I think will happen.

You wont face the confusion you wont talk to me about it anytime soon. And I'll be here waiting for some development. I'll get frustrated because you will act like the man I left in that coffee. You think you have changed but you havent.

And I think I've changed 

But I have not

Not matter what my subconscious and my imagination may suggest.

My heart it's set and we will do us some good if we start believing it.

otro día mas

Quisiera ser indudablemente feliz 

Quisiera estar absolutamente segura 

Quisiera sentirme sana y completa

Quisiera creer en la posibilidad de alcanzar todo eso en esa tierra.

Pero no es así.

Anhelo que todo acabe.