feliz navidad

I've tried to watch four different stand up specials in netflix
and i "laughed" once. It was awful.

I feel very depressed today. I've been sleeping most of the day.

Carlos is having a baby, he is a father already. It makes me happy and also.. sad?
Ted Mosby's effect.

I may be sad because of last night.
I was around this man i used to like and it was terrible.
He is in terrible shape and i hate to be able to tell when he is acting like everything's normal.
I dislike him being weak and fake. And honestly, i wanted someone else to care that night.
No one did, not her, not them. Not this new church.

I kept on thinking how incredibly unpersonal everything was, like everybody enjoyed speaking facts
and when she had the guts to tried to express herself in a more personal level
no one listened
even one of them treated her poorly, of course nobody noticed it, just me.

Suddenly i realized, i don't want to be one of you
i am different
i am emotional and a pusher
i care about what you're *feeling*
i care about your life story, your personal life
and i won't stay there if you are going to sanction me about it.

I remembered last sunday and i wonder if he is the reason why this didn't happen sooner
Last night he didn't come and he knew i was gonna be there.

Remember my last moto time? Well, it was clearly in my head and i'm a bit sad because of it.
He didn't choose me to go into his house, he just knew i was friends with his friends
(im not really friends with his friends though but i understand why he thinks that)
He isn't scared i may fall for someone else, he doesn't care at all.
He could've spend christmas with me, he chose not to.
He definetely doesn't like me.

Maybe this was a day of grief and that's the reason why it was so bad.
Maybe it's because im not taking my meds.
Maybe my period will come.
Maybe i'm scared because of my new job on friday.

I don't know.
I don't want to know.

this year and the forever wait

It hasn't been easy, you know?
I secretly hoped i was gonna be engaged by Christmas time.
A year of getting ready to be in love
out in the open
with everyone's blessing
and a new life.

It was supposed to be easier
fall in love with one's best friend
and be in a safe and proper relationship
it's a bit embarrasing now
we didn't last a season..

It's always complex to try and love someone
i bet
and the rest of the year has been very confusing to me
i learnt that i didn't know him as well as i thought
i learnt i could fall back in love with him and then out of love
in love
out of love
like a sadistic dance
but most definetely learnt that i want someone new.

It's hurtful to think about it
say it
write it
but i don't want to be with him
not now not ever
and if i doubt myself somedays is just my loneliness
not love.

I still believe in sparks
first moments sparks or created through gettting to know someone sparks
but sparks nevertheless.

I don't believe in Holywood anymore, not at all.
i get excited about social skills in men
about general manliness and noticeable love of God
i get interested in men who can talk and lead
and i'm trying to affirm God's control on everything.

I've discovered through heartache
what's my role in this
my position
and my worth as a christian woman
and even though i may have a very high opinion about someone right now
i'm not gonna give in, i won't flirt
i won't play the games
i won't ask, i won't walk any miles
i will surrender this feeling to God
so He can do whatever He pleases with it
and i will be here waiting for my time to say yes
again.